A Night Out In Rococo Lounge, Birmingham

Dear Rococo,

Please pass this message on to the appropriate characteristics in your bar.

The Bouncers

“Of course I don’t have any chewing gum”

I actually do you degenerate, but I know you’re too fucking stupid to realize that I’m going to lie to your face to get in.

So there’s no point asking me in case you didn’t notice.

Ask me about guns or drugs or something maybe next time I might actually tell you.

The Girls.

Why have you got so much attitude for?

You’re not that buff.

You come to Rococo because you know there’s a thousand men who are going to move to you and so that you can tell them to fuck off and carry on doing your hip moving bullshit.

Men are coming up to you because they think you are a slag because you dress like one. They don’t know that you’re out just for the attention like I do.

They’d move to an elephant in Rococo. What kind of a kick do you get from such low class attention?

Don’t give attitude when you get the attention that you came out for, or otherwise wear some clothes.

In summary, stop being  an attention seeking whore.

The Men

Sorry, Bruv, for stepping on your shoe and distracting you away from your male gang bang.

I was pushed by another male gang bang.

My sincere apologies though. I didn’t mean to disrespect you and I genuinely hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.

I understand that you have no job, no future and no Gcse’s because you’re too stupid, and that you have loads of excuses for being such a fucking waste of a human being. So you want to feel that at least some one in this world shows you respect when they accidentally abuse your precious River Island shoes.

But on the plus side, these Rococo attention whores actually seem to like your style. You won’t get none but they’ll let you buy them a rose and take a picture with them.

You might find your wifey in there. They seem about as stupid as you. I’m sure you must have some really interesting conversations together in the smoking area.

I would also like to apologize that you will have difficultly reading this message and so my good friend Diary Of A Badman has kindly agreed to relay this message to you in terminology that you understand.

Apologies once again, and I hope you and the attention whore live happily ever after in Rococo heaven.

Best wishes,



The Three Steps To Becoming A Successful Rude Boy




My name is Bhav Jas, but my nickname on the streets of Harrow is BJ.

I am a rude boy. On the weekdays I have a successful career as a member of my Harrow crew and on the weekends I drive my mum’s car to Harrow view point and back repeatedly, roll down the windows and shout out “buff ting” at the Harrow rude girls, with NWA “only in California” blasting through my mum’s car speakers.

It is easy to notice who is a member of my Harrow crew as we all have matching “grade 1 sides and back” haircuts.

I would like to ask you three questions:

1) Is your life ambition to sit on you ass with your boys in a shopping center all day?

2) Do you gleam at the thought that no-one will be able to understand what you are saying other then your few rude boy friends?!

3) Do you love the idea that your existence would be so pointless that no-one would bother “messing” with you, or even noticing you at all?!

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above questions, you have it in you to become a rude boy!

So where do you start! Well, let me tell you the three essential steps to becoming a successful rude boy.

Step 1: You must become an individual

Learning material: The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air

I am from Harrow, born and raised in the playground where I spent most of my days.

It was then, when my Ma got scared, and moved me to Merchant Taylors Private School where I spent most of my days.

Within my early days of being a rude boy, I used to ask my mum to bring me some milk and cookies whilst I snuggled up to an evening of Fresh Prince every night.

The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air was cool because he was unique in the town of Bel Air as he was not from there. It showed me the importance of standing out as much as I can as an individual.

It is for this reason that I have recently decided to shave my name “BJ” into my head. It is because I want to stand out as some-one unique, for I feel that I am the real Fresh Prince Of Harrow.

It is imperative that you watch the Fresh Prince of Bel Air which will provide you with an understanding of the importance of individuality in all senses of life including slang words, dress sense, walk and manner.

Step 2: You must form a crew

Having established your individuality from watching the Fresh Prince, it is now imperitive that you watch the following video: Lethal B: Pow.

This famous song video is well known amongst fellow rude boys for its lyrical genius. It shows a man talking about how he would like to “break your neck” and “crack your skull”.

What is important here, however, is that within the entire video the rapper has a “crew” of gentlemen surrounding him.

To be a rude boy, you must have a crew. Your crew must have a symbol so that other people know you are from the same crew. I hope to get my crew to get a tattoo saying “BJ family….bless” on their chests. You must find your own symbol.

Step 3: You must build your reputation as a rude boy crew.

Learning material: None available.

Building up your reputation takes time and patience. You will make mistakes and there is no quick self help guide.

A couple of tips to help you on your way:

1) Walk around with your crew at all times in shopping centers. This is because the area between the cinema and McDonalds in St Georges can be very scary if you are alone. So make sure you are protected. Hold hands if you must.

2) Only talk to each other in public places and speak really loudly so every-one can hear you. This is because most normal people realize that you are of no worth and therefore ignore you, so it is important to remind them that your existence, although entirely unneccesary, is still unfortunately present.

3) If some-one starts beef, train one of your crew members to look angry and shout a lot, and then get the other crew members to hold him back and restrain him. Repeat this process with other crew members until the police comes.

4) Ensure that you use the following words at some point in all your sentences:

yo fam

bare beef ting

you know bare manz

i got bare p

im on an s.m.t

you on a b.m.t

I’ma cop that T shirt

She be buff

no long ting

5) You will see many rude boys wearing a purse. This is the latest rude boy fashion accessory. Try to ensure that it matches your earrings.

I hope that I have helped you on your ambitious journey to become a successful rude boy.

Hope to see you jamming with your crew doing nothing all day soon,