One Pound FishChirpse

Clearly a clever man, a 3 minute London market song at Queen’s market, Uptown Park, to turn out to be one of the biggest chirpses this month.

“Come on Ladies come on Ladies, One pound fish”

Genius.

Bet he’s deep in fish now.

So much so that he got a shout out by Alesha Dixon!

Rated.

I might even do my own version whilst working in the toilets…

“One pound spray, very very cheap”


A Typical Boy’s Night Out

Ternary Allies
Photo Via JD Hancock

From working in the toilets of a club, I have found that most boys, lads, or groups of men universally follow the following process in their epic night out.

8:00 – 10:00 pm

Scenario: Drinks at the house.

Primary Aim: Convince each other that the probabilities of bringing a woman home tonight are extremely high, based on highly acclaimed evidence such as Jersey Shore.

Secondary Aims:

1) Drink as much as possible in the shortest amount of time to provide enough confidence to approach women.

2) Congratulate each other on being one of the lads.

3) Discuss the last woman they had sexual intercourse with.

 11:00 pm-12:00 am

Scenario: Enter club. At the bar.

Aim: Purchase alcohol to allow the opportunity to speak to each other at a bar whilst avoiding appearing homosexual and to achieve the following verbal conversation and agreeement.

Lad A: “She’s fit.”

Lad B: “She’s fitter.”

Lad A: “We’ll definitely find them when we are a bit more drunk

Lad B: “I can’t wait.”

12:00 – 1:30 am

Aim: Prepare for chatting up women

1:30-3:00 am

Before the effects of alcohol wears off, desperateness sets it. Having drunk, pissed, danced with each other and spent the majority of their weeks salary, it is now time to achieve the purpose of the night: to take a woman home.

Any female will do, because at this point, success is the only option.

The Chat-Up

 “Hey, what’s your name”. 

“Can I buy you a drink “

The Response

I’m tired.

My feet hurt from wearing heels all night.

I want to go home.

My best friend is throwing up in the toilets and I can’t leave her because she’s my best friend. Friends forever.

I’m hungry.

F””” off. You’re too late. What time do you call this.

3:00 am

After one rejection, the man ego has diminished. It is now time to retire and congratulate each other on how an evening can be so enjoyable without women.

End of Night

More:

How to be a successful rude boy 

The 6 different male clubbers

The 6 different female clubbers


When to “Chirpse” a Group of Ladies In a Club.

statutes of liberty

Via Mardi Gras 2011

You are going for a night out with your mates.

You notice a female dressed in a short skirt and a bra. Something about this unique dress sense stands out about her which intrigues the attention of your penis. 

Shaking in your boots with fear and excitement and armed with a vodka and coke in your hand, you tread a path towards your desire.

“Hi there, my name is…”

Before you finish your sentence, an army of beast like women swarm your lady of affection, give you the finger, and whisk her away, never to be seen again. 

The beasts are her friends and they are your enemy. This well know phenomenon is described as: “the circle.” 

What is the “circle?”

The “circle” is a group of ladies/best friends in a club who arrive, dance and leave together without acknowledging the existence of other humans. For further information on the psychology of the “circle”, please visit the 6 different types of female clubbers. 

How can I break the circle and chirpse the girl I fancy?

There is only one moment when you can break the circle and “chirpse” the lady you fancy.

Firstly, we must note the different stages of “the circles” night out:

Stage 1: The dance floor

Whilst dancing, the circle face only each other, wade their hips from side to side and avoid eye contact with any other human being.

There are three rules all members of the circle must adhere to:

1) Any one who attempts to chat up a woman during this mystical cult dance will immediately be shut down by the person to the right and left of the woman.

2) The  women within the circle who has had the most men attempting to chat her up wins the circle dance floor contest.

3) Any acknowledgement by any circle member of any male presence during this dance will immediately be noticed by other members who will, at the end of the night, enter a gossip tribunal by which the lady in question risks being described as a whore.

It is impossible to chat up a member of the circle on the dance floor. Many have tried. All have failed.

Probability of a successful chirpse: 0%.

2. The trip to the toilet.

As one circle member requires to urinate, all members of the circle must break the dance floor cult, hold hands and form a strong line in order to march the cold, long journey to the bathroom. Here, the circle feel at their most vulnerable: having to directly notice other people within the club can be daunting. They hold on tight for dear life, for if their fingers were to part, they risk having to be in a club…alone.

Probability of a successful chirpse: 0%.

3. The bar

The bar is a unique opportunity. As one member of the group stands to buy the drinks, the rest of the circle create a perimeter, facing outwards from the bar. Due to the crowded bar, it is impossible to create a perimeter that completely excludes other humans.

Careful watching and planning will allow you to make your timely run to the bar, enabling you to be inside the perimeter area before it is formed. The rest of the circle will be distracted; this is your chance to “chirpse”- the success of which then depends on your charm, wit and money.

Successful chances of “chirpsing” (with acceptable charm, wit and money): 10%

Want to know more?

The 6 different types of male clubbers

The 6 different types of female clubbers

Psychology of the Penis