Photo Via JD Hancock
From working in the toilets of a club, I have found that most boys, lads, or groups of men universally follow the following process in their epic night out.
8:00 – 10:00 pm
Scenario: Drinks at the house.
Primary Aim: Convince each other that the probabilities of bringing a woman home tonight are extremely high, based on highly acclaimed evidence such as Jersey Shore.
1) Drink as much as possible in the shortest amount of time to provide enough confidence to approach women.
2) Congratulate each other on being one of the lads.
3) Discuss the last woman they had sexual intercourse with.
11:00 pm-12:00 am
Scenario: Enter club. At the bar.
Aim: Purchase alcohol to allow the opportunity to speak to each other at a bar whilst avoiding appearing homosexual and to achieve the following verbal conversation and agreeement.
Lad A: “She’s fit.”
Lad B: “She’s fitter.”
Lad A: “We’ll definitely find them when we are a bit more drunk“
Lad B: “I can’t wait.”
12:00 – 1:30 am
Aim: Prepare for chatting up women
Before the effects of alcohol wears off, desperateness sets it. Having drunk, pissed, danced with each other and spent the majority of their weeks salary, it is now time to achieve the purpose of the night: to take a woman home.
Any female will do, because at this point, success is the only option.
“Hey, what’s your name”.
“Can I buy you a drink “
My feet hurt from wearing heels all night.
I want to go home.
My best friend is throwing up in the toilets and I can’t leave her because she’s my best friend. Friends forever.
F””” off. You’re too late. What time do you call this.
After one rejection, the man ego has diminished. It is now time to retire and congratulate each other on how an evening can be so enjoyable without women.
End of Night
A Ladies Rant On Clubbing…
At The Club…
I stand perched on the bar,my eyes fixated on a group of targets.
A sweet seductress bird flies by.
Elegantly dressed and with a charming smile, she glides past, feeling the stares of the passers by.
I stand focused, willing her to look my way, to give me that one moment.
For the moment I have her eye, she’s practically mine.
I sweep close, touch my hand on her waist, take the scent of her neck and walk past her.
She glares, confused at her loss. She knows from my eye and she wonders why.
I have her where I want her, I smell her desire and it is only a matter of time before she forsakes all of her power.
Let those who are sheep be there to do the chasing.
I am the player and my heart is raging.
Ready to take my strike, my body is poised, awaiting the moment I can claim my one prize.
The second eye is coming, oh so close!
Let there be sight! I’m there, almost!
She looks down at the floor, eyes slowly unveil, glancing up at me, they whisper:
“Take Me, Master”.
Photo Via wallace39
Whilst working in the men’s toilets in a club in Leicester square, I overheard Mr Rugby Lad talking to a man who he described as “football scum”…
They were discussing the following well known quote:
“football is a gentleman’s game played by ruffians, and rugby is a ruffians game played by gentlemen”
This is what Mr rugby lad had to say:
Hello you football scum,
I am Mr rugby lad, and I have a message for you pansies who fall over every time you kick a football.
You are not playing like gentlemen. A gentlemen would respect his opponents tackle rather than fake a fowl.
Rugby is played by gentleman. It is an amazing feeling when you take down another man by rubbing your head tight against his ass, squeezing your hands around his tightly muscled quads and making him submit to you on the floor. This is something you ruffians would never understand.
Another favorite position is at the back of the scrum, when we get to rub our elbows close to the gentlemen to our rights testicle sac. The trust we show each other with such intimate parts shows what kind of people we are…
The fact that we rugby lads are gentlemen, unlike you football hooligans, stems from our privileged positions at boys only private schools, where rugby is universally taught along with other gentlemen activities such as sword fighting and how to continuously extend your neck at 90 degrees to “hold your head high”.
We act like gentlemen in all aspects of life, not just when we are jumping on each other, or playing “soggy biscuit”.
For example, one of our favourite games is “who can drink the most before throwing up and then drink his own puke.” We act like gentlemen by showing great respect to the usually extremely overweight pre-alcoholic winner of this competition, and we regard him as our trusted leader.
We also differ from you football hooligans as we play a number of team development and building exercises, like spending many evenings sitting together naked and singing songs to each other. This has importance for two main reasons.
1. It is extremely important that we get to know each others anatomy really well, to ensure correct placement of hands during scrum.
2. It makes the less privileged men such as yourselves feel jealous that they can not join in with a naked group of men and sing songs.
3. As we sing and stare at each others genitalia, woman feel intrigued enough to find out what the fuss is about, as shown here:
In Summary footy fanatics, to be gentlemen like us would be difficult for you. But, when the times are tough, you’ve just got to swallow it whole and move on to the next one.
And remember, at the end of the day, it’s all just banter!
So no hard feelings,
Mr rugby lad
As I enter the club, I have only one objective. To hunt.
My reason for going shopping, finding nice clothes, wearing nice clothes, taking a cab and paying to enter this crowded room with loud music is not to stand at the bar communicating with males with a drink in my hand. No. What losers. Their mere presence is an insult to me, to know that I have to pay the same amount to be in the same vicinity as these mindless sheep who think that their night consisting of waddle dancing within a circle of men with their best shirts on is their concept of “fun.”
No. I am a wolf, and I’m here for my meal.
And for you men who have come out to look after and keep an eye out for your group of “best female friend circle”, don’t test me. You vermin are the people who disturb my sleep at night. Not because I worry that you may slightly delay my inevitable entrance into the insides of your female friends, but because you are lying to the world: You are not really a man. Your female friends severed your testicles off and strung them up to their waist belt so they can give them a little *squeeze* when they want some-one to buy their drinks.
Stay the hell out of my way.
And for you ladies, don’t fear me. I am the reason for you spending all that time to get ready and look so gorgeous. I love, adore and think of you all day. Your beauty astounds me and to me, is living proof that the world was created. It is a shame that these pathetic sheep men can’t see how stunning you are. You are my irresistible sweet lust and it is within my natural instinct to find, charm and seduce you.
I desire you.
My name is Bhav Jas, but my nickname on the streets of Harrow is BJ.
I am a rude boy. On the weekdays I have a successful career as a member of my Harrow crew and on the weekends I drive my mum’s car to Harrow view point and back repeatedly, roll down the windows and shout out “buff ting” at the Harrow rude girls, with NWA “only in California” blasting through my mum’s car speakers.
It is easy to notice who is a member of my Harrow crew as we all have matching “grade 1 sides and back” haircuts.
I would like to ask you three questions:
1) Is your life ambition to sit on you ass with your boys in a shopping center all day?
2) Do you gleam at the thought that no-one will be able to understand what you are saying other then your few rude boy friends?!
3) Do you love the idea that your existence would be so pointless that no-one would bother “messing” with you, or even noticing you at all?!
If you’ve answered yes to any of the above questions, you have it in you to become a rude boy!
So where do you start! Well, let me tell you the three essential steps to becoming a successful rude boy.
Step 1: You must become an individual
Learning material: The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air
I am from Harrow, born and raised in the playground where I spent most of my days.
It was then, when my Ma got scared, and moved me to Merchant Taylors Private School where I spent most of my days.
Within my early days of being a rude boy, I used to ask my mum to bring me some milk and cookies whilst I snuggled up to an evening of Fresh Prince every night.
The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air was cool because he was unique in the town of Bel Air as he was not from there. It showed me the importance of standing out as much as I can as an individual.
It is for this reason that I have recently decided to shave my name “BJ” into my head. It is because I want to stand out as some-one unique, for I feel that I am the real Fresh Prince Of Harrow.
It is imperative that you watch the Fresh Prince of Bel Air which will provide you with an understanding of the importance of individuality in all senses of life including slang words, dress sense, walk and manner.
Step 2: You must form a crew
Having established your individuality from watching the Fresh Prince, it is now imperitive that you watch the following video: Lethal B: Pow.
This famous song video is well known amongst fellow rude boys for its lyrical genius. It shows a man talking about how he would like to “break your neck” and “crack your skull”.
What is important here, however, is that within the entire video the rapper has a “crew” of gentlemen surrounding him.
To be a rude boy, you must have a crew. Your crew must have a symbol so that other people know you are from the same crew. I hope to get my crew to get a tattoo saying “BJ family….bless” on their chests. You must find your own symbol.
Step 3: You must build your reputation as a rude boy crew.
Learning material: None available.
Building up your reputation takes time and patience. You will make mistakes and there is no quick self help guide.
A couple of tips to help you on your way:
1) Walk around with your crew at all times in shopping centers. This is because the area between the cinema and McDonalds in St Georges can be very scary if you are alone. So make sure you are protected. Hold hands if you must.
2) Only talk to each other in public places and speak really loudly so every-one can hear you. This is because most normal people realize that you are of no worth and therefore ignore you, so it is important to remind them that your existence, although entirely unneccesary, is still unfortunately present.
3) If some-one starts beef, train one of your crew members to look angry and shout a lot, and then get the other crew members to hold him back and restrain him. Repeat this process with other crew members until the police comes.
4) Ensure that you use the following words at some point in all your sentences:
bare beef ting
you know bare manz
i got bare p
im on an s.m.t
you on a b.m.t
I’ma cop that T shirt
She be buff
no long ting
5) You will see many rude boys wearing a purse. This is the latest rude boy fashion accessory. Try to ensure that it matches your earrings.
I hope that I have helped you on your ambitious journey to become a successful rude boy.
Hope to see you jamming with your crew doing nothing all day soon,
Via Mardi Gras 2011
You are going for a night out with your mates.
You notice a female dressed in a short skirt and a bra. Something about this unique dress sense stands out about her which intrigues the attention of your penis.
Shaking in your boots with fear and excitement and armed with a vodka and coke in your hand, you tread a path towards your desire.
“Hi there, my name is…”
Before you finish your sentence, an army of beast like women swarm your lady of affection, give you the finger, and whisk her away, never to be seen again.
The beasts are her friends and they are your enemy. This well know phenomenon is described as: “the circle.”
What is the “circle?”
The “circle” is a group of ladies/best friends in a club who arrive, dance and leave together without acknowledging the existence of other humans. For further information on the psychology of the “circle”, please visit the 6 different types of female clubbers.
How can I break the circle and chirpse the girl I fancy?
There is only one moment when you can break the circle and “chirpse” the lady you fancy.
Firstly, we must note the different stages of “the circles” night out:
Stage 1: The dance floor
Whilst dancing, the circle face only each other, wade their hips from side to side and avoid eye contact with any other human being.
There are three rules all members of the circle must adhere to:
1) Any one who attempts to chat up a woman during this mystical cult dance will immediately be shut down by the person to the right and left of the woman.
2) The women within the circle who has had the most men attempting to chat her up wins the circle dance floor contest.
3) Any acknowledgement by any circle member of any male presence during this dance will immediately be noticed by other members who will, at the end of the night, enter a gossip tribunal by which the lady in question risks being described as a whore.
It is impossible to chat up a member of the circle on the dance floor. Many have tried. All have failed.
Probability of a successful chirpse: 0%.
2. The trip to the toilet.
As one circle member requires to urinate, all members of the circle must break the dance floor cult, hold hands and form a strong line in order to march the cold, long journey to the bathroom. Here, the circle feel at their most vulnerable: having to directly notice other people within the club can be daunting. They hold on tight for dear life, for if their fingers were to part, they risk having to be in a club…alone.
Probability of a successful chirpse: 0%.
3. The bar
The bar is a unique opportunity. As one member of the group stands to buy the drinks, the rest of the circle create a perimeter, facing outwards from the bar. Due to the crowded bar, it is impossible to create a perimeter that completely excludes other humans.
Careful watching and planning will allow you to make your timely run to the bar, enabling you to be inside the perimeter area before it is formed. The rest of the circle will be distracted; this is your chance to “chirpse”- the success of which then depends on your charm, wit and money.