An Interview With A Posh Git

GolfingImage Via Turbotoddi

Who am I?

It may interest you to know more about me as every one is interested in me.

My name is Mr Posh Git BSc MbPoshGit, but my friends refer to me as Spencer.

What do you do?

I am a highly successful entrepreneur. At the age of 24,straight out of university, I started up my own home rental company which I then expanded over five years to make myself a self made millionaire.

A classic story.

Wow, you are amazing! May i ask, how did you finance the start-up?

Well, whilst I was in university, I proudly formed a company called Dad Ltd. The concept of this company was that a tree was planted in my Natwest account which magically grew money with a no interest instant transfer.

Dad Ltd grew so powerful that I really do feel that sometimes when I’m managing my property company I’m actually working for Dad! But let’s just keep that hush.

What do you do in your spare time?

Born and bred in Chelsea, from a young age I acquired a keen taste in fine food, style and class.

Over the years of my youth I formed a small group of friends with whom I spend all my time with. My selected peer group have been selected by myself as based on the amount of their future inheritance I can be relatively certain that they don’t have AIDS or other poor man diseases.

To ensure we don’t develop the “poor man disease” we tend to sleep only with each other and rotate around our cliche group. This results in a lot of gossip which explains how we have so much to talk about as we sit with the same people for three hours everyday at various restaurants throughout the city, and also why you are not invited.

Tell me your philosophy of life?

My philosophy, which has made me the successful, Aids free, popular entrepreneur I am today is that I am a man who likes to always be in control.

I control my life, my day and my destiny. I have regular set times for my meals. I eat apples all day in between. I plan every moment of my life.

I have my life plan set in front of me and I know exactly where I’m going.

I am in control.

I have never once let myself lose control and this is why I live in fear. I fear losing my health, wealth, possessions and social circle. My life plan doesn’t even contemplate the inevitability of disease and death.

I Ignore the certainty of my 50 year limit of existence and focus instead on my mind’s projection of a perfect future which doesn’t exist.

The result? I can never let go of control and just enjoy the present moment.

I live in a bubble.

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The Hangover

The weekend came, the weekend left.

I got plastered of my face, much is the same.

My sober mind mocks and jeers at my drunken self.

I wake up and feel the shame, knowing that I’ve played the same game again.

The pointless mess of getting fucked and spent.

Pure moments of bliss to dissolve reality and it’s stress.

Why does it always come to this?

The moment of the hangover is the time of clear thought. 

God if you’re there, please give me the strength.

To start over fresh, and leave this cycle of sex, drink, sin and death.

But the weekend is coming! The weekend is here!

No time to think, just time to live. 

Live for the moment, so lets get fucked!  

And start once again this addictive cycle of  hell. 

God help us all.


A Night Out In Rococo Lounge, Birmingham

Dear Rococo,

Please pass this message on to the appropriate characteristics in your bar.

The Bouncers

“Of course I don’t have any chewing gum”

I actually do you degenerate, but I know you’re too fucking stupid to realize that I’m going to lie to your face to get in.

So there’s no point asking me in case you didn’t notice.

Ask me about guns or drugs or something maybe next time I might actually tell you.

The Girls.

Why have you got so much attitude for?

You’re not that buff.

You come to Rococo because you know there’s a thousand men who are going to move to you and so that you can tell them to fuck off and carry on doing your hip moving bullshit.

Men are coming up to you because they think you are a slag because you dress like one. They don’t know that you’re out just for the attention like I do.

They’d move to an elephant in Rococo. What kind of a kick do you get from such low class attention?

Don’t give attitude when you get the attention that you came out for, or otherwise wear some clothes.

In summary, stop being  an attention seeking whore.

The Men

Sorry, Bruv, for stepping on your shoe and distracting you away from your male gang bang.

I was pushed by another male gang bang.

My sincere apologies though. I didn’t mean to disrespect you and I genuinely hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.

I understand that you have no job, no future and no Gcse’s because you’re too stupid, and that you have loads of excuses for being such a fucking waste of a human being. So you want to feel that at least some one in this world shows you respect when they accidentally abuse your precious River Island shoes.

But on the plus side, these Rococo attention whores actually seem to like your style. You won’t get none but they’ll let you buy them a rose and take a picture with them.

You might find your wifey in there. They seem about as stupid as you. I’m sure you must have some really interesting conversations together in the smoking area.

I would also like to apologize that you will have difficultly reading this message and so my good friend Diary Of A Badman has kindly agreed to relay this message to you in terminology that you understand.

Apologies once again, and I hope you and the attention whore live happily ever after in Rococo heaven.

Best wishes,

Mamaji


I’m a Non-Vegetarian but I’ve never seen a bird being killed.

the mister

Photo Via Looseends 

Dear Non-Vegetarians

I am a meat eater and have been all my life.

When vegetarians ask me why, I respond with the following 3 main arguments:

1) We are the top of the food chain and are designed to eat meat.

2) Animals are stupid and probably don’t notice/feel pain.

3) If I don’t eat it some-one else will. It’s already dead after all.

But am I kidding myself?

1) We are the top of the food chain, but just because we have the tools to kill does that mean we should? 

2) Animals don’t feel pain…yet have you seen an animal being killed? 

3) It’s already dead after all…what about supply and demand? 

So there you have it, the entire vegetarian vs non vegetarian argument summed up in six sentences.

Putting all that aside, it occurred to me, however, that as some-one who eats meat, I have absolutely no idea how that meat ends up on my plate.

If we are brave enough to eat meat, we really should be brave enough to kill it ourself..

I’m not asking you to kill, I’m asking you to watch it be killed. Give a few minutes and watch at the very least one of these three videos to hear out the millions of animals we’ve eaten. 

Don’t delay it, make an excuse or ignore it as I have done for many years. Just watch it. 

“Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind” John Tillotson
“Ignorance is not bliss. It’s blind.”

For those of you are brave enough to kill a chicken yourself, cut it’s head off, it’s feet and legs off, cut it’s belly open and rip out the intestines, heart and lungs and then shove it in the oven, a step by step method on how to do this can be found here. 

Conclusion

Is it morally wrong to eat meat? 

I don’t know.

Will I stop eating meat? 

I don’t know

Is what we do to animals just so we can have a tasty meal cruel? 

Definitely

Can we survive healthily without cutting necks and ripping out hearts and intestines? 

Yes

beby sheep

Photo Via Voodoo@zjy

Sheep head

Photo Via Carstenfonsdal

Black Sheep Cafe - Crispy Pork Cheeks

Photo Via Xin Li 88


My First Holiday Abroad

To take a break from the stresses of working as a toilet attendant, I decided to travel over 2000 miles to some northern country in Africa that I know absolutely nothing about other than the hotel I will be staying in is rated 2 out of 10 on trip advisor.

I was really looking forward to spending the entire week sleeping half naked on a big chair next to a pool. However, I didnt really understand why it is only acceptable to sleep half naked next to a hundred other strangers if I’m next to a pool, nor why this pointless type of holiday is so popular among British people, so I interviewed a British lad named Steve on the plane in the hope that he could provide me with some insight.

This is what he said:

“Have a pint and do fuck all”

Taking into account his level of intelligence, I gave him a laugh, called him “a funny lad” and probed a little more:

“mate, It’s dirt cheap and you get treated like a king. ”

” you’re in paradise! relax! “

Steve, you genius! It all makes sense now! I’m not travelling 2000 miles just to sit on a chair…I’m travelling to be treated like a king in paradise!

And with the current exchange rate, even with a toilet attendants salary, i can be treated like a king by people who work twice as many hours as me and get a hundredth the pay! if I were them I would be fuming! But who cares what they think! Im paying the hotel to be a king for the week and these employees are my well deserved slaves.

With my new found sense of self, I bid farewell to my mentor Steve the lad, adopt a pompous prick posture and journey on towards my hotel.

On arrival to the hotel, I was greeted by a warm welcome and smile by the door slave, who then hurriedly ushered to the bag slave to take my bags to my room. I tipped them both the equivalent of ten pence, as I would like to be remembered as a generous king and I’m sure they’ll appreciate it as they’re used to working for pennies.

So far, so good. I’m impressed they have British newspapers, football with english commentary on TV and that there’s wifi. I feel right at home. What more could a man ask for apart from hookers.

But then i get a surprise. I take the lift to the room, step out on my balcony floor and take a look around. What a beautiful view…

Then, I turn to my left, and my eyes are greeted with this…

A construction site. WTF is this. I was furious. The cheek of these slaves to attempt to earn a living on this construction site without any consideration for my balcony view. Disgraceful.

How on earth does this hotel expect me to be so ignorant as to sunbathe in this fake “paradise” when i have to continuously be reminded of these slaves working in the blistering heat the entire day to create another hotel so more of us can sit naked all day in our “paradise” built by slaves. I try to ignore this, but these slaves are working right in my face, and it’s rather inconsiderate to my feelings, and frankly, plain ugly.

I immediately contact the manager with whom I have a furious discussion as to why, as a king, I was not consulted of the interference of my balcony view by slaves and I ordered these slaves to be fired or else I will retaliate by writing a nasty review on trip advisor.

The manager, with a curious,calm smile gently explained that I was being unnecessarily fussy and that I was the first guest to complain about the construction site.

I was shocked.

Could the rest of the hotel kings really enjoy sunbathing whilst watching slaves sweating away at a construction site?!

Could they not at least even open their eyes and see the pain and suffering that surrounds them to provide them with their week of “paradise”?

Can people really be this blindly ignorant?

Or are we too busy spending our time sober reading “fifty shades of grey” whilst coating our self vanity with a tan, and the rest of the time wasted on drink to give two shits about the people that run it all. After all, without us, they wouldn’t even have jobs. So where’s that pint, let’s get on with doing fuck all.

“Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind” John Tillotson


Mz Bratt- Rocket Launcher

Watch out for this one. I  guarantee you’ll be hearing it in the clubs very soon.

Take it from me, the toilet attendant.

No idea why she’s banging on bout a rocket launcher though.

Produced by Donae’o, a mad tune, it’s MZ Bratt-Rocket Launcher

 


One Pound FishChirpse

Clearly a clever man, a 3 minute London market song at Queen’s market, Uptown Park, to turn out to be one of the biggest chirpses this month.

“Come on Ladies come on Ladies, One pound fish”

Genius.

Bet he’s deep in fish now.

So much so that he got a shout out by Alesha Dixon!

Rated.

I might even do my own version whilst working in the toilets…

“One pound spray, very very cheap”