The Clubbing scene: The 6 Different Female Clubbers

Clubbing is a multi-million pound business. Having spent many years clubbing, I decided to set these experiences to good use, and began to research the psychology of clubbing. I quickly noticed that there were specific types of clubbers which were regularly present within the clubbing scene.

After having written about the 6 types of male clubbers in a previous post, it is now time to find out what the 6 different types of female clubbers are.

So here it is. Enjoy!

The Girls

1. The Gold Digger

I am an interesting specimen. I am a female “player”. Men play the clubbing game for pulls- it’s disgusting! I play it for drinks. You men are so stupid! If I give you a tiny bit of attention i.e. brush your hand with my hand, you genuinally think I want you to whip me off my feet and put your penis in my mouth, because of the damsel in distress that I am.

Bro, she touched my hand. Trust, she’s on it

No! I want your drinks bitch! I want YO MONEY. And just like you “players,” I’m not doing anything wrong. I stand there, YOU approach me. YOU flirt with me. YOU ask me if I want a drink. I just receive, and then get out, by either excusing myself, or showing you who my real man is, or by saying bye. Your big ass ego won’t let you get upset at me about your failed investment. After all, you made the decision to gamble your money. And, by the way, I am not an escort. You thought I was an escort, and you paid me. I just took your money and stood your desperate self up.

2. The Circle

Hi, I’m a member of the “the circle.” If you would like to know who is a member of this circle, you can check my facebook pictures, which will show thousands of pictures of me doing the same side-view pouting pose with the same 4 girls in different clubs. We also may have a few men within our circle, who we have sufficiently nutured, and are primarily there to protect us and get us our drinks.

As we enter the club, we quickly become aware that there are other people present, who may try to break our closely-knit circle. So we immediately assume the “mounting” position. This is a defense tactic, where by all 8 of us stand facing each other in a circle in the middle of the dance-floor and wade our hips from side to side slowly to the music like anchored mermaids, “mount” our asses out, and pretend that no-one else exists.

Whilst in the “mounting” position, we have an appointed “blocker”. This woman is usually slightly larger and more scary-looking than the rest of us. As men attempt to speak to me, our circle is immediately threatened. Hereby, we immediately assume the “attack strategy” whereby the ladies on either side of the man turn away, I provide a dirty look, and “the blocker” rushes in to fight off the unexpecting man.

Video: The “blocker” at work

“The blocker” also has the role of keeping count of who achieved the most mounting attempts by men, who will subsequently be awarded with the prize of being the most mountable. It is imperative, however, not to break the circle and speak to any-one else, as this would insult the very core of the untouchable circle, and may result in you being banished to exile, and labelled as the bicycle that rode away.

Guys, outside of a club, I’m actually a really nice girl, and would love to speak to you. Secretly, I do actually understand the association between wearing nothing and attracting attention. But whilst in my circle, I have to consider the feelings of those of us who don’t get mounted, and that’s the reason why i don’t speak to you, and come across as being part of an insane cult.

3. The Plastic

I’m a plastic. Before I go out, i’m a plain piece of plastic, but after I’ve decorated myself with glitter, lipstick and a purse to match I become a super-plastic. My weekend is usually spent putting on my make-up, going to a club, and then taking off my makeup. Usually this process takes 72 hours, but its worth it, because when i go out, I am the HOTTEST girl out there. The non-super plastics are envious. And the men, their jaws drop when they see me. Rightly so, because I am so stunningly amazingly beautiful. It’s nice to have the feeling of men undressing the few clothes I have on with their eyes. After all, they can’t help themselves: their eyes are naturally drawn to me. I love the attention I get, but what I don’t like is when men actually try to have a conversation with me. It’s not that I’m afraid they’ll realize that underneath my glitter and lipstick I’m a plain piece of plastic. It’s more because I’m well above their league. Because I’m beautiful. And the only person who can talk to me is the man I love, who has treated me like crap for as long as I remember so that’s why he’s above my league. Because he treats me like crap.

So lads, if you’re reading this, and you see me out there, look, stare and drool. But don’t speak to me, unless you’re going to treat me like crap.

4. The Double Team

We are the double team. We come in a pair, rather than a group, as this allows us to appear more approachable. The team consists of myself and a close friend of mine. Our relationship works well due to our ability to fight off each others insecurities. For example, my friend is what was elequantly described in Jersey Shore as: “the grenade”.

Urban dictionary Definition.

1.	grenade
	The solitary ugly girl always found with a group of hotties. If the grenade doesn’t get any action, then neither does anyone else.“Come on man, take one for the team and jump the grenade”

I am more attractive than my friend. So when she goes out with me, guys will speak to her. She wins. Guys speak to me more than they speak to her, so I win. Due to the physical appearance of my companion, I also feel less vein, and less like a self-obsessed plastic. It’s a real win-win. The double team works so well and that’s why there’s so many pairs of ladies out there in the clubs.

So lads, if you are interested in me, make sure you have a friend who will look after my friend, because we come in a pair. Fat girls have feelings too.

5. The Drama Queen.

People call me the drama- queen, and I know why. It’s because my primary objective in life is to destroy every-one else’s night by making them spend the entire night looking after me after I’ve had half a glass of wine. If any-one doesn’t spend the evening devoting their full attention on my safety, they will experience the wrath of my verbal bulls***, which I will apologise for in the morning. But before I apologize, I’ll cry. Oh how i enjoy crying. Every-one rushes quickly to my comfort when I cry. And then they take me home, leave me some water and tuck me into bed. Sometimes they forget to leave my night-light on so I have to get back out of bed and put it on, but they’ll learn with time. I will then repeat this process repeatedly until I find out who my real friends are, which is no-one.

6. The Man Friend.

Im the man friend, and my life is a Shakespeare play. My main friends are a group of guys. I don’t really have any girl friends because they don’t get me the way guys do. My main role within this group of guys is to look after their relationship interests and provide them with advice on dress, girls and manners.

I also have a dedicated slut-o-meter. This allows me to accurately identify girls in a club which are not suitable for my male friends. The dedicated satellite for my slut-o-meter is so powerful that it has identified that 99.999% of girls are not suitable for my male friends. Therefore, I am the only girl suitable for my male friends. I am currently in a secret relationship with all of them.

My slut-o-meter Satelite dish

Summary

Lads, I hope this provides some insight into the types of girls available in clubs.

Now that i have discussed all types of clubbers, it is time to evaluate the process of clubbing itself. I will be discussing this soon!

If this post has made you smile :), please please support MamaJi’sRant by liking the facebook page or suscribing my email, so that i can let you know when I next post!

Muchos Love,

MamaJi

p.s. What type of clubber are you?! Take an anonymous vote, and when enough people vote, I’ll release the percentage results on MamaJi’s facebook page!

---